I will not.

I finished up in my job last week. Well, they finished me up, if you really want to talk about specifics.

18 months flew by. I was doing work I was good at and really enjoyed, and for a not-for-profit charity too, which I loved. But 18 months of being back to consecutive days working in an office post-COVID remote working and then just one-day back in the office once lockdown started easing, I was thriving with a recent MS diagnosis and the symptoms that come with that, and even though I pushed and tried my absolute best working in the office and managing my body as I changed medication, all while keeping up with the daily demands and deeds of life, the timing of my departure couldn’t have been better.

Just because I have MS, it does not make me less than. And nor did I feel or think about myself in that way or in my role, but over time it sure felt that’s how others viewed me.

When I’m achieving things at work such as a successful rebrand, changing the tone of voice in copywriting and on social media, refreshing designs, digitising the quarterly newsletter from a PDF that felt like it originated in 1901 to a now digital and interactive EDM, I knew I wasn’t “less than”.

However, when comments are made such as “We can all tell you’re struggling” and “I need someone who can be on their feet” that my achievements felt overshadowed by this sense of burden.

Struggling? Damn straight I was — working in a suburb filled with hills and slopes, two things that I lost being able to walk pre-diagnosis. And also struggling after returning from holidaying in Bali for which the hot air and never-ending humidity broke my legs. As far as MS and my symptoms, for me this meant the heat swelled the connection passage from my brain/spine to my legs, because of pre-existing and irreparable nerve damage, and the signals to move my legs never reached them.

Struggling? Damn straight I was — as I commenced the medication/treatment washout period before I can begin the new one. This meant that after five years of taking meds I was now NOT taking any medication so that my body could be brought back to zero and when at Day 3 of the washout, my body starts feeling the withdrawal feels. Yet, there I was, up, showered, dressed, makeup on, with food for the day all prepped, and in the office. At the end of that day, I was called out to with a “See you tomorrow” when it really should’ve been “I know you’re off medication at the moment and I saw how hard today was for you. Why don’t you work from home tomorrow?” but nope. I struggled through the following day too even though I was set up to work from home. Even back then, that comment made me suspicious. It never left my mind.

Struggling? Damn straight I was — feeling as though I’m not good enough because I have this illness which meant that I pushed myself to be back at work on the Monday following my day-long infusion of the new medication on the Friday, in an effort to prove myself.

To a “normal” body, none of this would be a thing, but for someone with a condition as MS that suffers from physical fatigue, the more you push yourself beyond your body’s limits, the more you’re setting yourself back.

I realised that no matter how hard or how much I worked, what I achieved, implemented, and changed, having an illness that can physically debilitate me is what it all became about. I was always transparent to my boss and team, in a bid to bring awareness, understanding, and appreciation to those living with the disease. We aren’t the disease. Instead, we are some of the most positive, kindest, strongest, and resilient people you’ll come across.

Don’t get me wrong, my colleagues were supportive and helpful, coming to collect me from my car so I had an arm to hold on to as I had to walk down hills to reach the office. And my boss did say yes to my request to work from home one day a week. But that’s the very minimum they should do in my eyes, especially when the government clearly states that employers must make accommodations for employees living with chronic illness.

The 2024 Christmas break allowed for lots of reflection. Plus, it was Summer and my MS does not gel well with the hot weather, if you didn’t know that by now! My body was exhausted and I couldn’t push myself or my legs anymore. I almost felt like I was making MS worse for myself. So, instead, I decided to adopt three words - I WILL NOT.

I will not continue to push myself if it means I am making myself worse.

I will not continue being transparent when my words are heard without empathy.

I will not forgo the grace and dignity my body deserves as it changes medications. It’s not yet even been a year of the new treatment!

I will not be viewed as a burden because I live with this condition.

I will not allow myself to feel under-appreciated when I’ve worked my arse off.

I will not.

I had a figure in mind and promised myself once I saved that amount, so that my mortgage, general life, and other expenses could be managed and maintained, I would leave. I decided it wasn’t worth making my health worse, no matter how much I enjoyed what I was doing. The young lady who walked in those office doors 18 months ago was not the same young lady who would be walking out.

Then, two weeks ago, my boss asked me into her office “to have a chat”. I had no idea what it would be about. Due to a decline in charity donations and funding, most likely because of the cost-of-living crisis, my role was being made redundant! I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t have to leave them as I had planned to, they were leaving me. I still couldn’t believe it!

I balanced all things life and work so gallantly and graciously for 18 months and never under-delivered. But now, I could stop. Stop pushing myself, stop trying to prove myself, and most importantly, stop contributing to my illness progressing.

The universe had recognised my efforts and the universe was rewarding me. I’m so grateful.

I’m aware that it’ll soon be back to the drawing board for me, applying for and interviewing for a new job. But I’ll worry about that a bit later. For now, it’s time for meee!

Have you balanced working with an illness that can be physically debilitating? What have you done? Let’s connect — leave me a comment in the box below x